Meet Malena

There was a time when I had no clue of who I was, or how to live an authentic joy-filled life. How could I have? Up until then, I’d spent much of my life hiding, and in silence. When I was a kid, I hid the fact that my family and I were often homeless. While my friends were nestled up in their houses eating Oreos after school, we were shuttling black garbage bags filled with our belongings to and from homeless shelters, damp campsite tents, and shady hotel rooms. I quickly learned how to blend myself into the background in order to survive- my needs, voice, and soul included.

When I was in my 20s I hid the fact that I’d been brutally violated sexually. I’d convinced myself that it had been my fault anyway and I had to keep my secret until the day I died. But behind my silence, I lost even more of myself and started to spiral into a deep, dark wilderness of low self-worth and other gremlins. I kept hiding though. I hid behind relationships hoping they would ‘fix’ me. Spoiler alert, they didn’t. Years of dysfunctional relationships and abusive entanglements just broke me further and ravaged what was left of my self-esteem. The disappointment, abandonment and disillusionment around them helped me to create more toxic beliefs that kept a cycle of pain going. What I believed, I experienced. What I experienced, I believed. I was on a hamster wheel of despair, all the while looking fabulous, getting degrees from top-shelf schools, and amassing material wealth. I learned the hard way that keeping up appearances can kill you.

My beliefs became laws in my life. Here are just a few for your viewing pleasure;

• I will always suffer.
• I will never find true love.
• I always struggle with money, no matter how much I make.
• Men break hearts and take more than they should.
• People are unkind and the world is unsafe.
• It is normal for me to live in chaos, as long as I am surviving.

This was what I thought I knew about life. I thought I was the pain, shame and guilt that I’d gone through. They were facts I could count on, no matter how excruciatingly painful they were to live in. Because I didn’t know the real me, I didn’t know my real power either. I gave it away freely and went on hiding, being fake, and muting my voice. I kept up living as a victim to my beliefs and experiences. Then one day the pain just became too much to continue my madness. It was bad enough to make me think about ending my time on earth. I had what I like to call Epiphany One.